


Sailor Mouth

by Kotaku



Series: ( ✧≖ ͜ʖ≖)Love live crack( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°) [2]
Category: Love Live! Sunshine!!
Genre: Crack, Cussing, Cyka Blyat, Dia's a furry?, F/F, Mari is mr. Krabs, Me taking advantage of Eli being part russian, Riko has "had it up to here", SpongeBob Parody, The "Kanan Krab", What Did You Expect, its that one spongebob episode, muse references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-15
Updated: 2019-11-15
Packaged: 2021-01-31 02:35:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21438784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kotaku/pseuds/Kotaku
Summary: Based on that one spongebob episode where they cuss, and it's a bunch of dolphin sounds, uncensored ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Relationships: Matsuura Kanan/Ohara Mari, Takami Chika/Watanabe You
Series: ( ✧≖ ͜ʖ≖)Love live crack( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1455859
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	Sailor Mouth

"Well, it's the least shiney time of the day once again." Mari said with a sigh as she flipped a sign that said open over to closed. "Closing time!" Mari cried. 

"Welp, see you in the A.M Mari." Chika was halfway out the door of the Kanan Krab before 

Mari pulled her back in hastily. 

"Wait a second Chika, take that pile of yuri filth out with you!" Mari pointed to Riko who was holding up a trash bag. 

Chika gasped. "Mari, you shouldn't talk about Riko like that!" 

"She means _ this _ yuri filth you soulless ginger." Riko nonchalantly said as she dropped the bag of doujinshi on the floor. 

Chika went around the Kanan Krab with the bag of yuri in her hand with the intent to forever banish the filth. 

"Takin' out the trash, takin' out the trash." Chika sung as she threw the bag away in the dumpster. "Ooh, dumpster writing! The voice of the weebs!" 

"Up with Yohane, down with Yoshiko." Chika snickered as she read the next one. 

"I was dragged into idol hell as of 3 years ago and I haven't been able to escape, please, send help I'm begging you, I can't afford to buy another Hanamaru neso-" 

Chika laughed even harder than before. "Ha, those weebs…. Oh, here's one someone didn't finish! You is.." Chika wrote the word 'Daddy' under is. 

"Oh, what's this? Mari is a **ligma-harborer**." Ruby, who was passing by on her way to buy 5 more gallons of mountain dew liberty brew, stopped in her tracks and stared at the ginger. 

"You k-kiss your onee-chan with that mouth?" Ruby stuttered, mostly because she'd already downed 4 cans of mountain dew. 

"Shima and Mito griefed my house in minecraft so I refuse to make eye contact with any of them-" 

"Hey Chika, hey the legend27." You appeared out of nowhere and exposed Ruby's identity. 

"HI You! Oi, do you know what this word says?" Chika pointed to the word on the dumpster. 

"Mari… isn't that the blonde, rich, Italian girl you work for?" Chika moved her finger, as she was pointing to the wrong word. "No, not that one, _ this _ one."

"Oh, you mean ** _Ligma-harborer_ **? Isn't that one of those sentence enhancers?" Chika looked confused. "What's a sentence enhancer?" 

"You use them when you want to talk fancy. You sprinkle them here and there in your sentence and Yousoro! You got yourself a spicy sentence sandwich."

"Oh cool, I get it. Let me try! _Ahem_ Hello You. Lovely **_frickin'_** day we're having isn't it?" 

"Why yes Chika. This ** _Gayassmuthafrikin_ ** day is particularly ** _Ligma-harboring_ **."

"How **_Gayassmuthafrickin_** right you are You!" 

After saying the words a few times, You and Chika found that it had an effect on them. 

"My lips are tingling from how spicy these words are!" 

"Mine too!" 

\-----------------

** _*Next day at the Kanan Krab*_ **

"Hello weebs, nice ** _Gayassmuthafuckin_ ** day we're having eh?" 

Ruby gasped. "D-did she just say-" Yoshiko nodded. "Aye, she did."

"Hey You, How the **_frick_** are you?" Chika asked the ashen-haired girl at a nearby table."Pretty **_Fingerlicking _**good Chika."

Yoshiko looked over at the 2 over her krabby patty, which had a black bun on the side. "I thought this was a restaurant, not a ritual hosting site. But I'm cool with it I guess."

Chika grabbed the Kanan Krab's speaker and made a short announcement. 

"Gamers, rise up. today's special is a ** _Gayassmuthafuckin_ ** Krabby Patty served in a greasy ** _Ligma-harboring _ ** sauce and grilled to ** _Fingerlicking_ ** perfection." 

Yoshiko covered Ruby's ears, Hanamaru, who was on her 37th Krabby Patty, muttered an "Oh hell no zura" and started rolling away, Dia screamed, grabbed Ruby and ran out, and Kanan threw herself out of the window. 

"Nice **_frickin_** day isn't it Riko?" Chika glanced at Riko who was passing by, not noticing the customer's getting up and leaving. 

Mari, who was swimming in her pool of money, noticed the costumer count alarm going off. “The Kanan Krab, she’s empty!” Mari ran out to the front of the restaurant and started throwing out random commands. "Riko! Where are all the shiny money paying customers?" 

"Well, it seems these two have learned a new word and Chika said it over the intercom."

"That's it? What'd she say?" Mari looked at the cashier, eager for an answer. "Um….. She uh… she said.." Riko whispered the word in the rich Italian girl's ear. 

Mari gasped. "Chika and You! I should make the 2 of you raid Riko's Yoshiko shrine for using such language in here!" 

The 2 looked confused. "But Mari! We were just using our sentence enhancers!" You nodded along with Chika. "Yeah, it's fancy talk."

Mari retorted. "There is nothing shiny about those words!" 

"You mean **_frick_****?**" the ginger repeated. "Yeah that one, stop saying it it's a swear word!" 

"A swear word!?" You and Chika tried cleaning their tongues of the swearing by wiping them off. 

"Yep. That's bad word number 11. There are actually 13 un-shiny words you shouldn't ever use." Riko looked over, confused. "Don't you mean 7?"

"Not if you're a sailor!" Mari started Kim Kardashian ugly laughing. "Wow 13!" Chika fawned over the number. "That's a lot of **_fingerlickin_** good swears!" 

"OK kids. I need you to promise me you won't use those words again.

"We promise!" Chika and You said at the same time. 

\---------------------

"Good thing Mari told us those words were swear words!" Chika and You were at the ginger’s house, playing a wholesome game of Eli and escalators. 

"Classy people like us can't be staining our lips with cussing." You nodded. "Yep! Now we can play a nice, wholesome game of Eli and Escalators."

"Vodka edition? Oh boy my favorite!" 

Chika shook the dice which had the communism logo on it, it _ is _Eli and Escalators after all. "Come on, Shitake needs a new pair of Yeezys!" 

The dice landed on Eli, much to Chika's disdain. "Too bad Chika, you gotta ride the Eli." 

You shrugged. "Ah, sugar honey Iced tea." Chika moved the Nozomi game piece to Eli. 

"My turn!" You rolled the dice and it landed on escalators. "Escalators, yes!" 

"Come on, escalators, escalators, escalators!" The communism dice landed on Eli. "Dang!" 

"My turn again!" The ashen-haired girl rolled the dice, and it promptly landed on escalators. 

"Escalators, escalators, escalators?!" Eli. 

"E-skeet-lators!" You moved the piece up to escalators. "Well, this is your last chance, Chika. If you get Eli again, then you lose, and I get the Russian fur cap that comes with the game."

Chika vigorously shook and rolled the dice. "Escalators, escalators, escalators!!" The Dice landed on escalators. "Finally, escalators!" The dice turned over to Eli. 

"AH **CYKA BLYAT**!" Chika gasped and clasped her hands over her mouth. 

"Woah, you said number 11!"

Chika shot out an excuse. "You c'mon it was an accident!" 

"It's ok Chika, I get it." Not even a few seconds later, You was sprinting out the door. "Mari, Mariiiii!" You was running to the Kanan Krab. 

Chika started running as well, but rather, after You. "No wait, don't tell Mari-!" 

"But you said **_cyka blyat_**!" You threw her hands over her mouth as she realized her mistake. 

"Now I gotta tell Mari on you, you filth!" Chika started running faster. "Not if I tell first!" You was suddenly ahead of Chika, holding onto the back of an ice-cream truck.

"See you at the Kanan Krab! You started Kim Kardashian ugly laughing before the truck went in the opposite direction. "Oh for Eli's sake!" 

Chika laughed and kept running straight to the Kanan Krab. "MARI! MARI! MARI!" 

"What, what, what?" 

"You, You, You!" 

"Yes, yes, yes?" 

"She said, she said, she said!" 

"Out with it, child!" 

"Me and You were playing Eli and Escalators, and You won the Russian fur cap, and I had to ride the Eli and then we ran and You, she said some THiNgS."

Mari narrowed her eyes. "What kind of things?" Chika hesitated. "That one word we uh.. You said we weren't supposed to say which just so happens to be number 11." 

"What?" 

You walked in the Kanan Krab with 2 ice cream cones in each hand, before throwing them away and running towards Mari. 

"Rich Italian girl!" You and Chika pointed at each other and started throwing out all sorts of incoherent speech. Mari grabbed their lips to shut them up. 

"When I let go of your lips, tell me calmly what's going on." 

"She said **_cyka blyat_**!" The two said in unison. 

Mari, for probably the 4th or so time that day, gasped. “Trash day!” Mari picked them up and threw them outside the Kanan krab. “I thought I told you pretty bomber heads to stop using those words! You mess with the boomer, you get the scoomer.” Mari skipped back into the Kanan Krab.

“What’s gonna happen to us?” You looked over to Chika. “She’s probably going to force feed us italian bread!” Chika shivered, but You seemed fine with it.

“Mari was right You, we don’t need to cuss to enhance our sentences!” 

“Right, that’s what ‘ok boomer’ is for anyway!” You pointed out. “Let’s make a vow to never use them again!” In the middle of their somewhat complex handshake, Mari came back outside with 10 pounds of Russian bread. “Since you two drove away all of my shinEy customers, You will now be disposing of this limited edition Russian bread, vodka editi-” 

Mari stubbed her foot on not a rock, but Yoshiko, who was lying on the floor in-front of the Kanan Krab for some reason. 

“MAMMA MIA HOLY **SHIT** WHO PUT THIS **GAYASSMUTHAFUCKIN ** YOSHIKO HERE? CAN’T YOU SEE I GOT A BUCKET FULL OF ** FINGERLICKIN ** GOOD ITALIAN BREAD HERE, **CYKA BLYAT**!!”

“Two, three, four..” Chika started counting.

“I’LL** NICO NICO** KICK THE **SHIT ** OUT OF YOU ** YOSHI-HOE**!”

“Does ‘nico’ count?” You watched the scene in confusion. “Of course it does!”

“We’re gonna tell Dia, hypocrite!” Chika and You started sprinting towards the Kurosawa manor. 

Mari screeched in fear and tried running after them, before tripping over not a rock, not Yoshiko, but Ruby. “Wait! Don’t tell Dia, she’ll force me into a furry suit again as punishment!” Mari got up from tripping over the younger Kurosawa and ran after them. Why there’s so much running? No clue.

The two started banging on Dia’s door. “Dia, Dia!” The older Kurosawa sibling opened the door, though Chika didn’t stop banging her fist when she opened it, so Dia fell from her punch. At the same time however, You was screaming almost exactly what Mari said.

“Mari called Yoshiko **Yoshi-hoe** , and then she tripped over Ruby, and she said a whole lot of **cyka blyat** , and she also said she was gonna **nico nico** kick the **shit **out of Yoshiko, all while holding fingerlickin good italian bread!”

Mari arrived soon after to see Dia, almost unconscious from the pillow- like force, and possibly the new found information she had gotten from You. “What have you done? You know how hot furry suits are!?” Mari said as she tried to play off what You said. Dia woke up soon after, went into the house, and came back with 3 fursuits. 

“As punishment, you will wear these MakiRinPana fursuits while screaming 3 guilty kiss songs at once. In front of Ruby and I’s house.” 

The three of them ended up screaming the lyrics to Garasu no Hanazono, but Dia was cool with it, and even baked them cookies that suspiciously looked a lot like...Hanamaru? As Dia was walking towards them with the cookie tray, she stubbed her foot on not Yoshiko, not Ruby, but a rock. 

“Sweet Niblets my **Honking **foot!” the 3 looked shocked. “Dia?!” They yelled out of sync.

“What? It's Kanan and her clown nose.” Dia gestured towards Kanan, who was dressed in a full clown costume and make-up.

Kanan started ugly laughing while honking her clown nose, the others followed suit.

**Author's Note:**

> Tl;dr: Chika and You use some scary language, Mari literally dies. 
> 
> Moral of the story: Don’t trust Kanan, she looks a bit suspicious. 
> 
> Also, I would like to royally apologize for using "Ok boomer" smh


End file.
